...you know you love me

Oh Geez

2008-10-22T23:12:03Z

Tampa, Clermont, Tampa, Clermont, Sanford, Clermont, Tampa, Clermont, North Carolina, Clermont, Tampa... all within the week. I am so sick of fucking driving!

On a happier, cuter, gayer, head-over-heals, lighter note: I absolutely love getting surprised with flowers and long awaited hugs.

Totally twitterpated ♥

I hate being sick!

2008-09-25T08:29:32Z

I sometimes wish that every path of which way my life could go was laid out in front of me and I could just pick the best one to take. The easiest path...

But I guess that wouldn't be living.

Oh how I miss you!

2008-09-19T06:06:28Z

Thank you for being just as big a bitch as me.
I love you Schmitke!

Is it too early to start my Christmas List?!

2008-09-18T07:00:58Z

Well, I just got done with the dishes and vacuuming, and yes, I am aware it's 3:00 in the morning. Our neighbors probably hate me, especially since London's been in there howling at the vacuum for the past 20 minutes now. I just can't seem to sleep lately! And then when I do it's usually in five hour intervals... oh well, I don't have anything better to do :)

I was going to take that job offer I've been talking about for passed 2 weeks now, but after talking it over, I just can't seem to justify waking up at 6:45 every day and driving 40 minutes for a job where I won't be able to bring home any profit. Which to me, makes me sound super lazy, buuuut I don't want to get a job for the mere sake of just, you know, having one. AND I don't want to take said job, if that means me just staying there for a couple weeks and quitting because I'm not making enough money! Besides, we're doing pretty good just budgeting on my unemployment (nasty word!) and poor Luke is working his ass off and picking up more hours as I'm typing this.

I have enough on my hands though, I think? Between the two puppies and laundry, lol! I feel like a regular house wife. Dinners cooked every day when Luke gets home, and I'm pretty on top of this whole cleaning thing. Sometimes!

We're thinking about moving up north within the year as well. Which puts a bad taste in my mouth because I HATE MOVING! We'll see. I want to have a job and a place to live up there before anything takes place. But we have a good 7 months before our lease here is even up...

Enough rambling. I do miss writing though!
T-minus 22 days till NYC with Jessie my love!!!!!
iTunes is acting all kinds of fucked up at the moment... kinda like facebook??!
And I totally started on my Christmas List last week! :)

Love, me

Whoa! It's been too long.

2008-09-17T09:22:11Z

Let's see if I actually start writing again...

...rummaging for answers in the pages

2007-08-21T20:37:09Z

I won't be writing here any more.
It's become too difficult to let other people perceive my thoughts.
And misconstrue its meanings into their own.

I'm only sticking around to check on my loved ones.

...so get out your fake eyelashes and fake I.D.'s

2007-07-08T13:09:02Z

"You guys have made it through the hardest part. Usually once you get past your one year, you've already made it through most of the hard stuff. Yeah, you guys fight, you're still going to fight, and even though he's an asshole sometimes, you've been through it all together. You know there's something there that you stick around for. The love is worth sticking around for." - Jessica Barbara Reed

Even when you're tripping on Cyclobenzaprine, you always know just what to say. Thanks love.

...but I die without you

2006-06-24T05:47:34Z

Wednesday afternoon, my mother asked me a question. She never got an answer to it, and just assumed the negative. But I think I realized the answer tonight.
Yes. I think I do.
Which is scarey and confusing and I don't know how to deal with it. And, apparently I'm not the only one going through this problem at the moment, which is good. I'd rather talk it out with someone else who's having the same feelings as me than with him. Because I don't want to know the answer coming from the opposite end, or see the reaction of what might become. Unless it's a good reaction of course. So, let's smile, grit our teeth, and bare through it together.

Friend ( P ) Pronunciation Key (frnd) n.
1. A person whom one knows, likes, and trusts.
2. A person whom one knows; an acquaintance.
3. A person with whom one is allied in a struggle or cause; a comrade.
4. One who supports, sympathizes with, or patronizes a group, cause, or movement: friends of the clean air movement.
5. Friend A member of the Society of Friends; a Quaker.

Girlfriend ( P ) Pronunciation Key (gûrlfrnd) n.
1. If you are a boy or a man, your girlfriend is a girl who you meet very often, and spend time with her.
2. A girl or young woman with whom a man is romantically involved.
3. Usually, you have only one girlfriend.
4. You and your girlfriend may be in love with each other.

My son has a very beautiful girlfriend.

My neighbor's son will never have a girlfriend because he is even less intelligent than his father.

Dexter is so intelligent that every girl would like to be his girlfriend. But he doesn't like girls.

"Without you.
Without you the hand gropes, the ear hears, the pulse beats.
Without you, the eyes gaze, the legs walk, the lungs breathe.
The mind churns. The heart yearns.
The tears dry, without you. Life goes on, but I’m gone.
Cause I die, without you."

...how dare you say that my behavior's unacceptable

2006-06-19T05:42:35Z

I finally got that talk that everyone's supposed to get as a kid. I guess it just seemed to slip by me when I was little. Or my parents just decided it never was needed so better not say anything at all. Well. I got it tonight alright.

"Do you know how serious this is. Sex. Babies. It's not something you can just laugh off. And there is no such thing as an abortion in this house. If you get pregnant, you'll have to raise it yourself. Because I do not want another BJ running around the house. You think you hate kids. Just wait. And birth control isn't 100%. You have to wait 3 months after you start taking them for it to work. Just one week after I thought my time had lapsed with the pill, I was pregnant with you. So, you better think twice before you have sex again. "

You want to give me shit about not acting like an adult. Start fucking thinking about what you say to me everyday. About how I need to be home at a certain time, and that I'm spending too much of the money that I'm working to make so I can use something besides your money to go out on. Don't bitch about how I act like a kid when you constantly remind me that I still am one.

"I could make your life hell."

Please. Cause that's what kind of an adult I want to grow up to be.

Thursday, June o8, 2oo6

2006-06-08T07:16:33Z

I had to get out of my house.
I didn't know where I was going, I just started driving.
And of course I end up on I-4 on my way to YOU.
It wasn't planned. I just needed to see you.
It's a good thing I called you after you didn't call me back though.
Seeing as how I would have eventually gotten there.
And you would have just turned me in the other direction.
"Drive safely."
Yeah, that's hard to do with your eyes full of tears in the dark.
Two hours of wasted gas and screaming to Dashboard is what my night consisted of.
I'm not mad. Just disappointed I guess.
This whole day was full of those to tell you the truth.
I need a change.
Mall with Brittany, Kalani, and Tori should hopefully do the trick.
I miss hanging out with them.
I miss a lot of things at the moment actually.
Sunday is too far away.

So this is odd. The painful realization that has all gone wrong. And nobody cares at all. And nobody cares at all. I'm missing your bed. I never sleep. Avoiding the spots where we'd have to speak. And this bottle of beast is taking me home. Ignoring the phone. I'd rather say nothing. I'd rather you'd never heard my voice. You're calling too late. Too late to be gracious. You do not warrant long goodbyes. But the hours they creep. The patterns repeat. Don't be concerned. ~~You know I'll be fine on my own.~~ I never said don't go. Waiting here with hopes the phone will ring. And I'm thinking awful things. I'm pretty sure that few would notice. But your taste still lingers on my lips like I just placed them upon yours. And I starve. I starve for you. But this new diet's liquid. And dulling to the senses. And it's crude but it will do. I'll wait until tomorrow. Maybe you'll feel better then. Maybe we'll be better then. ~~So what's another day.~~ When I can't bear these nights of thoughts of going on without you. This mood of yours is temporary. It seems worth the wait to see your smile again. Laced with brilliant smiles and shining eyes. Perfect make-up, but you're barely scraping by. But you're barely scraping by. The bottle is waiting. The cap is twisted begging to be used. And so. Are you.

Tuesday, May o2, 2oo6

2006-05-03T01:22:39Z

What the hell happened yesterday?
It seems to be one big blur now that it's pretty much all over with. You know that saying "keep your friends close and your enimies closer." Yeah. Can't wait for school tomorrow.

Lies: something meant to deceive or give a wrong impression
Backstabbing: to attack someone unfairly, especially in an underhand, deceitful manner
Forgiveness: is not available in the general English dictionary and thesaurus

Monday, May o1, 2oo6

2006-05-01T23:23:53Z

I hate crying.
Moreso, I hate being used.
Being second best.
I hate writing these.
I'm always writing.
And changing moods as the day progresses?
Whatever.
"We need to talk."
That's always wonderful to hear.
I guess I should be greatful.
You broke it off quick.
You didn't let it go on for three months.
It still hurts like hell.
"You know I care."
No, not really.
And I hate how I let my emotions get the best of me.
Always.
Damn.
I always blame me.
It has to be my fault.
Right?
Maybe I push too hard.
Yet, you're the one that invited me over.
Where did that come from?
"I shouldn't have let it happen."
Then why did you?
Maybe I am just the dumb one.
Not seeing what's really going on.
Being used to make others see what they're missing.
I hope you two are happy.
I don't mean that.
But that's what your're supposed to say.
Along with "I'm fine."
All the while choking back tears.
"You still like him."
Yeah, that's going to make it better.
"Wasn't it his fault?"
"Wouldn't you give him another chance?"
What does that have to do with us?
You're still going to be second best.
It's called "another" chance for a reason.
It's true, life sucks.
And there's no such place as Happyville.
I hate this.
I hate that I didn't kiss you good bye.
I hate that our friendship is going to be fucked.
I hate being second best.
I hate being used.
I hate crying.

[Edit:] Total waste of my tears.
Got the real story from Brenna.
And I believe her.
He's just another asshole.

[Edit x2:] Yeah.
I was an idiot for believing her.
None of that bullshit should have happened.
Whatever.

Monday, May o1, 2oo6

2006-05-01T04:50:20Z

Ending Godspell is probably the sadest thing I'll have to experience in a long time to come. Hopefully. The show was absolutely the most fun I've had since... well, since POMH and ITW. Obviously. My final show for my highschool career is officially over, and the effects probably won't start kicking in till later today when we strike the stage. Sad.

But, what isn't sad is the kick ass cast party we had! At my house, of fucking course! Holy shit it was so sweet ass. There was drama, of course. When is there not.

Everyone started getting there as soon as the "photo shoot" was over. It started out pretty slow. There was nothing to eat but chips and soda, so everyone was waiting for some food. Finally filled our bellies and waited around downstairs for a bit. More people showed up. ______! We went upstairs to change and look at some of the Godspell pictures. Made fun of the people standing around outside and finally got in the pool. It was so damn warm. Got out of there and went downstairs to boogy. Of course, we did a bunch of the Godspell dances to R&B first! Then put some of ______'s nigga music on so we could dance and tried to figure out how to hook up ______'s ipod thingie. WTF?! It was too complicated so I called him, and poof, he showed up like magic. Wierd. After he got the music set up, along with the sweet strobe light and fog machine, the real party started. Danced for a little bit and proceeded to wonder around. I wasn't really in the partying mood since it was still pretty light outside. Hung out on the trampoline for a little bit, then went upstairs. Back downstairs, and then up again. Hm. Finally, it got dark enough to get into the partying mood for me. Everyone else was having a wild time already. Danced for a little bit, then took ______ upstairs with me to find the blacklight. Talked with the parentals for a little while, along with ______'s family. AUNT ______! Then went back downstairs. Danced some more. Hung out some more. Back upstairs with ______. More fun with the families. Back downstairs again. Figured out some of the love-triangles that were taking place in my yard. Went out on the trampoline and swing-set. Lots of funny questions from everyone. It was amusing. Went back upstairs with ______ and ______. Stayed upstairs for a while. "Does the whole ______ situation make you mad?" No. "You're a bad liar. I'm sorry." Said good byes to the ______ and went back downstairs. Closet. The party was starting to finally clear out. ______ and ______ show back up. More drama. "______'s afraid of water." They leave. Good. Whatever. Go in ______'s car to take everyone that's left home. Get back and go downstairs. Fall asleep on the pool table. Then good byes at the car. See you tomorrow.

Me and ______ woke up this morning at like 10:30, which is really early for us. Got up, went downstairs to get some "breakfast" and then came back upstairs. Took a shower and proceeded to clean up the basement. Holy fuck! Glad that's over with. Took ______ home and went over to ______'s house. Met his family. Played with ______. Went with him to go get his car washed. Went back to his house to get my car and convince him to go with me to the show tonight. Got home and cleaned my room. Left at 6:50 to get ______ and met everyone at seven 11. Then ______, ______, ______, ______, ______, ______, ______, ______, ______, ______, ______, ______, ______, ______, ______, and me left to go see The Last 5 Years. Figured out ______ is a really shitty driver, thank goodness ______ drove, and finally made it there with 4 minutes to spare before the show started. The musical started out slow for me, I wasn't really paying attention, but it was cute. I LOVE that song! Left there with some drama and we took all the passengers home. Got back to ______'s house... well, driveway, and left there by 11:00.

I'm skipping second period tomorrow because I'm so behind in doing my work in that class.
It's retarded! ♥

"I hope you had the time of your life."

Saturday, April 29, 2oo6

2006-04-29T07:43:09Z

Last night's show was amazing! I always think that Friday is our best... and then the last, second best. Sooo, hopefully that tradition will stay true.

After the show = Shit!

"Where are we going to eat after the show?"
"Chili's"
"Ruby Tuesdays"
"Ms. Dilks wants to go to Steak n' Shake."
Run to my house to grab my cell phone and change.
Kyle calls.
"Where are you?"
"We're coming right now."
Get there, and there is so not only three people there.
Look at the full table.
"How did everyone know to come here?!" - Dilks
Whatever.
Sit at the end of the table with Kalani and Tommy.
Order.
"OMG. Where's Brenna? I need Brenna!!" - Dilks
"I don't think she's coming..."
"Yes. She is." - Shannon
"Okay."
Dilks finally gets ahold of Brenna
"Britney, since you drive, you should go get Brenna." - Dilks
"Uh, no. Yooou can drive."
"Students aren't allowd in teacher's cars. And I don't know where she lives."
"Well, I'm below the E..."
"Since Britney is being a bitch, would anyone else like to get Brenna." - Dilks
WHAT THE FUCK EVER!
Dilks leaves, with Alex, who is a STUDENT, to go get Brenna.
Becca gets there and wants to call Elle to tell her to come there instead of Chili's, where everyone was supposed to go in the fucking first place.
I tell her it's a bad idea, seeing as how this isn't really a "cast" dinner, just some select few are allowd to be here.
"WTF? I thought the whole point was to bring the cast together." - Becca
Yeah, me too.
Tommy says we should just leave.
Good idea!
"Where are you going?!"
HELLO!! Did you not just see what the fuck happened.
I get shit for getting out of a long day of hell and not wanting to drive somewhere on my empty tank to go pick up someone who, apparently, isn't too fond of me at the moment.
"You just need to go home, and get some sleep." - Kyle
"Yeah..." - Shannon
FUCK EVERYONE.
Except Anthony, and Amanda, and Becca, and Jenny, who I don't even think knew what the hell was going on.

Omigah. So, after all that shit. We run into Elle, tell her the whole story, and tell her she should go over there instead of Chili's anyways. She was so pissed about everything, she was gonna busta cap. I love that girl. Then me, Tommy, and Kalani went to McDonald's to get some food there instead. After dropping those two love birds off, I went over to Walmart with Luke and Steven. They were fucking sitting in Luke's car, in the parking lot at Walmart, listening to EMO, cutter music?! OMiGah! They were sooo depressing. Then I made them go back inside and we played with toys and video games. YAY! My favorite. Left there after about an hour and headed back over to Luke's house. Steven gets a call from Maddie... sad. I hope those two are okay. So, me and Luke go in to watch a movie. Get bored. Got in the hot tub. Steven finally came back. Hot tub, got too hot, so we got out, plus we wanted to see what was up with Steven. SOOO DEPRESSING! Starting watching Series of Unfortunate Events again and Steven decided to walk home. Me and Luke were left alone. That was at 12:30, and it's now 3:40... you fill in the blanks.

Tomorrow is going to be CRAZY. Well... today. I have to get up in like four hours to start cleaning and setting up for the CAST PARTY muthafucka! I'm so excited. Hopefully the drama will be done with by tonight... YEAH RIGHT. =/

Thursday, March 23, 2oo6

2006-03-23T20:14:52Z

Confession con.fes.sion (ken-fesh'en) n.
1. A written or oral statement acknowledging guilt, made by one who has been accused or charged with an offense.
2. An admission of misdeeds or faults.

My name is Britney DeAnn Smith and I am 17 years of age.

I have a so-called "perfect" life.

I live at home with my mother, father, and younger siblings.

I feel they don't really aknowledge my existance unless it's to remind me of how much of a screw up I am.

I'm supposedly never going to amount to anything.

I get talked about by my own parents as if they think I can't hear them... or they just don't care.

I wish nothing more than to become very successful when I'm older just so I can prove them all wrong.

I don't like very many people because I don't put forth the effort of getting to know them.

Those friends that I do have mean more to me than they probably know or I lead them to believe.

I have had a stealing problem since I was 8 years old.

I've stolen from my own family.

I'm a terrible liar, but can think up pretty clever excuses after I've already gotten in trouble.

I'm loud.

My favorite subjects in school have always been english and science.

I make bad grades in classes not because I'm not smart, but because I don't try.

I cuss all the time.

I can play "dumb" well.

I skip school a lot because I think it's a waste of my time.

My parents think that I passed my online math class when I really got kicked out of it.

My world revolves around theater, music, and art.

I'm actually quite creative.

I hate animals... except for when they're little and cute and can get away with anything.

I smoked my first joint at a party in 7th grade.

I've been so drunk I've had to get someone to drive me home in my own car.

I love being the center of attention even though I am really shy.

I don't do clean.

I love to laugh at practically everything.

I strongly dislike driving, thus making me very bad at it.

I cry a lot, over everything, even though I don't like to.

I tend to want to start arguements over stupid things because I'm easily offended.

I just recently started cutting myself for attention from my parents.

They still have yet to notice the 16 cuts up my left arm, yet I'm practically parading it in front of them.

I hate when people yell, especially at me.

I get attached easily.

I probably will never have children because they annoy me.

I have an odd fetish with good hair.

I know how to love even though I'm not sure what love is.

I have a slight addiction to pain medications.

I'm a horrible procrastinator.

I don't believe... in anything.

I am, in general, very fucked up and I don't know what to do with my life.

Thursday, March o9, 2oo6

2006-03-10T03:04:32Z

"How was your day today?"

It's funny how something that small can seem to make my whole day better. You know, my parents don't even ask me that anymore. I didn't even notice till today. They used to ask me how my day was all the time when I was younger. I guess it just goes with the whole growing up thing. Or maybe they're just too busy for me. Or maybe they just don't notice me half the time unless it's to bitch at me. Or have me watch my younger siblings. Or, lately, to take me to the doctor's. It's nice to be asked that though. To know that there is at least one person wanting to know what I've been up to. How I'm feeling. If I'm feeling. Someone there to care. "How was your day today". You ask me that almost everyday. Or some other form of the same question. I didn't realize how much that meant to me. How much you mean to me. But you already knew that. How much you can just change my entire mood with a few words. And I did already know that you cared. Thank you for telling me again though. And we will hang out soon. Promise.

Fo sur, dawg! ♥

Friday, March o3, 2oo6

2006-03-04T04:07:28Z

"Joke me something aweful....

[24 Nov 2005|07:25pm]
[ mood | aggravated ]
[ music | Fall Out Boy ]

...just like kisses on the necks of "just friends" .

"Some things that you find out just make you say "what the fuck?" and you just dont know what else to say.... yeah........"

"Its things like this that make me say ...Wow you're a liar. why didnt you just TELL ME THE TRUTH? if thats what you wanted then whatever..... but dont lie to me... then expect me to forgive you sometime in the near future. although part of this whole thing is really funny. i mean so funny i like laughed for 10 minutes straight last night. too bad i had no one to laugh with. if only Brittany and i would have figured it out the other night before lol. but yeah... sometimes i just dont understand people. why do you say one thing but mean another. and why do people have SUCH bad timing. seriously think before you act...and also think before you say something... because i could prove a point to a few things right now.. but i wont. why? because i dont have the evergy for it. thats why. but even when it was me.... i was never the one that mattered most. maybe im wrong...but it just always seemed like i was number 2....or maybe even 3. sadly."

"hopefully things will work out in the end...between..well not just this..but everything thats been going wrong lately. i thought one thing was fixed..but i guess not. sometimes things get fucked up and most unfortunately...no matter how bad you want them to...they wont go back to the way they used to be. you just have the memory of those things that used to be so great...and thats all.... and eventually the memories fade away because they're not a reality anymore. i wish so much could be fixed. but i know no matter how hard i try...it wont happen. there's nothing else i can do i guess. i guess there's not such a thing as forever... or happy ever after. or maybe there is.... and i just have to wait forever to find it. who knows. i certainly dont."

Thank you Kalani.
It all makes sense now.
"I'm not her."
Well...
Ironic, don't you think?
It's just a name though.

Wednesday, March o1, 2oo6

2006-03-01T22:49:29Z

Britney wants...
1. Britney wants to know: Can you handle her truth?
2. Britney wants a role in the next Bond movie.
3. Britney wants Coldplay as wedding band.
4. Britney wants you to do somethin.
5. Britney wants to appeal to an older audience.
6. Britney wants another baby - with the same daddy.
7. Britney wants more changes in her life.
8. Britney wants to reclaim her pop princess crown.
9. Britney wants to be a Las Vegas showgirl.
10. Britney wants to be ... well, ...

I wish everything was as simple as going to Google and typing in what you want. Truth is, I don't know what I want. Well. I say that. I think, deep down, I truly do know what I want. But. Eh. I guess it'll just pass. The wanting will go away. Eventually.

Hurray for Tommy today! He makes life better. And Godspell callbacks tomorrow. Yay. Give me something to do with my life. I probably won't be able to sleep again tonight though. Damn. I knew taking all that Niquel would have an effect, and now, there's not any. It actually keeps me up instead of knocking me out. Boo.

DISNEY QUEST SOON? That want needs to be met at least...

Tuesday, February 28, 2oo6

2006-03-01T02:26:29Z

This has been said so many times that I'm not sure if it matters
But we never stood a chance
And I'm not sure if it matters

I keep having this same dream over and over again. I'm standing in this big room. There's nothing around me. I'm just standing there. I don't want to be there. But when I try to move, there's something big and invisible blocking me. I reach for it, and it's bulky. Cold. Hard. I'm stuck. But the funny thing is. When I reach out to wrap my arms around the obstacle, it dissappears. And I'm just hugging myself. Yet, when I go to move again. I'm still stuck. Stuck. On you.

"Why won't you talk to me?"
"Is there something I did that I don't know about."
"I'll just leave you alone. Bye."
I'm sorry

I know this hurts, it was meant to (it was meant to)
Your secret's out and the best part is it isn't even a good one
And it's mind over you don't, don't matter

Monday: went with Kalani, Brittany, and her cousins to Universal/IOA. I needed that. I needed to get out of my house after being sick all last week. And an excuse to not think. About anything. But, damn, we had fun. Especially when we cheated the system and deffinately snuck into the park without having to pay. Awwww yeah! Back to the Future, MIB (245,550 points BIATCHES!), Jaws (KELLY!!!), The Mummy, The Hulk, Spiderman, Jurrasic Park (we broke the ride), UNICORNS, Dueling Dragons, SUESS, and more Hulk. It's all fun and games till someone loses an eye, or knocks over their dip n' dots in a gift store! Hahaha, Kalani. And then you fucking ate them after you scooped them back into your cup. GROSS! =D You guys make me smile. And I love paying back the favor by almost killing you guys driving home. Blind. Universal... Sea World... Disney - I know how to get home from there! You know how we do.

I'm a bit disappointed in my Godspell auditions today. Hopefully I get a call back for Thursday though. Gah. I hate this. This process of "windling down" until the cast list is posted. Oh happy day.

I used to obsess over living,
Now I only obsess over you

Tuesday, February 21, 2oo6

2006-02-22T04:19:44Z

SONNET: son·net ( P ) Pronunciation Key (sonit) n.
1. A 14-line verse form usually having one of several conventional rhyme schemes.
2. A poem in this form.

I don't know what
tomorrow will bring me.
Because my smile grows
fainter when you're gone.
My laughter, suppressed,
and it won't turn on.
But when I close my eyes,
you're all I see.
I can't stop it,
my heart won't let me be.
But, you just don't see.
It won't even don.
Our feelings toward love,
it feels like a con.
My heart has been barred,
locked without a key.
Till the day I met
you turned it around.
Broke me to peices
and let me so low.
Yet, I go back to
that one solemn bound.
Hoping someday you
will want to know.
How happy you make me.
It feels I've found,
That one person to
make my heart beats go.

Thursday, February 16, 2oo6

2006-02-16T22:32:23Z

Life, is floating fast away.
But I look, your head is turned away.
From the moment you left I knew that something wasn't right.
But the feeling inside has kept me up all night.

I hate letting people see the real me. You seeing how helpless I am. How confused and hurt I am. Shrugging off my shoulders like it doesn't bother me. But you know. I love that you get me. I love the feeling that I do have someone there for me. I love that you think about me. I love that you cry with me. That you care enough to do that for me. How comforting you are. Even if I take it the wrong way sometimes. I know you're just trying to help. Help me get through. Get us through. Your shoulder to cry on is all I'll ever need. Thank you. For making me open up. I'm not a talker. But somehow we got through. And we're getting through. Everything else. You and me are like one heart-beat. I'm slowly mending back together. And it's because of you. Even though you broke me in the first place. I love you all the more for being able to put me back together. Back to being happy. To just being. I can't wait to spend more time with you. I may just be getting my hopes up. I don't like to think that though. Please don't get my hopes up. You mean everything to me. You're not an asshole. I wouldn't be so head-over-heels if you were. Just thinking about you makes my heart skip beats. Butterflies. I can't sleep knowing we're fighting. Or if we leave things on bad terms. I didn't cry myself to sleep last night. And it's all because of you. Just you. Ice-skating is going to be amazing.

You and me are like one heart-beat.
Back into what I thought I knew.
These words inside me, tell me what to do.
My heart held, in the palm of your hand.

Tuesday, February 14, 2oo6

2006-02-15T03:52:58Z

I miss.
I miss you.
I miss what we had.
Have.
I don't even know.
I know you hate when I say that.
But it's true.
I wish last night didn't happen.
Things were fine.
I just needed to get it out.
Should have been to someone else though.
Not you.
I don't know if it helped.
I feel worse.
Confused.
Broken.
I don't think I could possibly cry anymore.
Oh, wait.
Yes.
I can.
We didn't fix anything.
We didn't get anywhere.
I hurt.
Last night.
I'm sorry.
I shouldn't have said anything.
I shouldn't have brought it up.
I shouldn't have.
I do blame me.
Not all on me.
But.
It started with me.
You seem to always finish it though.
Or bring it up again.
I don't know why you get the privilege.
But, I'm not mad.
I just wish I had the answers.
I wish I could change my feelings for you.
I wish.
Wish things could go back to how they were.
But I don't really mean that.
Because when we're together.
Nothing else matters.
Just you.
And I hate myself for that.
Hate the feeling that I need someone.
Hate not knowing what you're thinking.
Thinking if you're blaming me.
If I'm the bad guy.
People say I'm better than that.
I shouldn't.
But I do.
I hate crying.
Crying alone.
Crying with you.
Why does it hurt so bad.
If it didn't, wouldn't this be easier.
Wouldn't you think that if I didn't care I could just forget.
Do you think I like tearing myself apart.
Well I don't.
And I can't move on.
I'm stuck.
Stuck.
And I don't know how to free myself.
People are trying to get me through.
It's not working.
I keep falling back.
Falling back to you.
I miss.
I miss you.
I love.
I love you.

Happy Valentine's Day.

Sunday, February 12, 2oo6

2006-02-13T01:11:26Z

I'm not a talker.
I wish I could talk to you though.
Without feeling stupid.
To have a reason why you make me feel.
Because you do make me mad.
And you do make me cry.
But most of all you make me happy.
Laugh.
Smile.
And that means more to me than any of the cons.
No matter how much they out-number the pros.
I don't like being mad at you.
Even though you like to think that.
It doesn't make me feel any better.
You make me feel better.
Just you.

Wednesday, January 25, 2oo6

2006-01-26T03:05:05Z

Theater is about creating something...

What do you do, when you're parents don't support or believe in anything you work for. That what makes you happiest the most, they could care less about whether or not you succeed in it or just get kicked to the side. That all the efforts you put into something doesn't matter to them because they think that it's a waste of time and that makes you feel like you don't have any potential about anything else. That you're worthless and that your oppinions don't matter because in the long run, you're just this little girl to them who still can't make decisions for herself. I wish they would just open their eyes and see, this means the world to me.

...beautiful!

Saturday, January o7, 2oo6

2006-01-08T02:10:51Z

Solitaire. Best game on earth.

It must be pretty bad when my mother starts asking about you.
"You two haven't really done anything since new years"
"You two seemed to be really into each other"
"Is he over you"
"He gets over people fast"
"You don't ignore people you seem to care about"
"Why won't you talk to me"

If I knew what was going on, don't you think I would talk about it, don't you think I would fix it.